I’m breaking up my cooking posts with some gut spilling honesty about how funny and hard and humbling life is these days.
I was thinking the other day I needed a non food post for once to remind people I’m not just a novice baker!
I suspected motherhood or marriage was where I wanted to focus.
I’ve been learning so much these past few months about motherhood and mothering a 2 year old so I felt sure when I sat down to write, I would end up there.
Did you check my cheesy title?! This one is about marriage. Because a few weeks ago was a major blip on the timeline of our marriage in a lot of good and terrible ways.
My husband and I had an epic fight that rocked me and yet also reminded me of something really important. It sort of showed me something that feels new!
I’m being cryptic because that feels important to my marriage but here’s a few somethings I wanted to pause and note… because when God surprises me I need to pause and build those monuments of remembrance…. Ebenezers is what they are called in Scripture.
Here’s the gist…
God used my single years to flood my heart with the truth of my identity. That I belong to Him. That I am beautiful in His eyes. That I am chosen by Him. That He knows me and loves me intimately. That He would have died for me if I was the only one for Him to save. That He will run after me and pursue me. That He wants me to partner with Him in what He’s doing in my life and in His kingdom work. That He has good for me. That He WILL provide for my needs.
Then God gave me a man who confirmed so many of those things in a tangible way for me. He chose me…nobody else ever had…he was my first boyfriend. He told me I was beautiful… something a man had never said to me before. He desired to purse me….like literally…he closed his eHarmony account after meeting me because he knew he was done looking 🥰😍. He gave me a man that taught me about God’s love in ways I’m still trying to understand!
But unlike God…this man is not perfect. He does fail and the perfectionist in me is learning how to operate in the inconsistency of that. He says and does things that contradict things that I wanted to believe would always be true in his eyes. That is a big struggle for me because of my own brokenness and speaks to my own need for a Savior.
Here’s what’s wowing me in the realization of that….
His failure glorify God.
In the midst of our fighting I was able to stand strong in the truth of my identity that God has spoken over me. For years before meeting him, if someone said something that hurt me, I would crumble and go inside myself and start telling myself who I was through their eyes.
God battled that for years and I didn’t realize how strong a foundation He had built until my husband hit the bottom with one comment.
Crushing as it was and as much rebuilding as we need to do, I did not once follow that old way of thinking and responding. I did not let his brokenness identify me. I spoke back to him who I am and how God sees me and told him his words were about his heart not who I am.
Now that was a profound moment for me and him because despite his major misstep God’s truth was glorified and the enemy didn’t win this time!
I can not tell you what an amazing thing that was for me.
This is not meant to amplify my husband’s error because it takes two, to fight so hear me say I am responsible for hurts that I’ve had to apologise for on a very large number of occasions. My husband’s track record is pretty spotless for major oopsises so he absolutely gets grace here!
But notice with me what happens when we let God transform the way we think (Romans 12:2). He is doing it little by little and I bet you don’t always see how you’ve changed. It’s the silent but life altering slow process that we give ourselves to when we say YES to walking with Jesus. Some change we see quicker but these deep changes feel lovely in the depths in ways the surface changes can sometimes lack.
What I love about this picture of us is that we took this right after we had our fight. I remember looking at him during these family photos and thinking my heart breaks a bit but I would not choose any one else to break it :) we’re figuring this out together and I am proud of us for how much we’ve learned and how hard we’ve worked to love each other’s broken selves. I love you David!