We made a decision. I guess we actually made it about a year ago but it was more just a goal, not actually a decision that would change something at that time.
It’s funny to see how God works…I think this all began last August. Right after we got married.
I went to a leadership summit that month through work and while processing some of the pieces of the summit with God one day I felt Him saying…”You’re not going to be working here forever. I’m going to make a way for you to do something else.”
This surprised me.
I had been working here for almost 14 years as a student and staff member. I almost felt stuck there since I never really used my degrees in teaching and kind of thought I would always work there.
But this little word from God gave me a small flame of excitement. My head went to the doors of opportunity that He may be opening for me to step into something using the degree I was working on in soul care and spiritual formation. I didn’t really hear anything from Him about timing, so I tucked it away, glad that God heard the whispered dreams of my heart and hunkered down to wait and see.
Fast forward a few months…October 2016.
My husband and I began suspecting we were pregnant for all the reasons you would expect. I ended up taking a pregnancy test about a week after I was late and saw those anticipated 2 pink lines.
I remember breaking into a big smile and then a wave of dread came over me.
Oh gosh….I’m not the weight I want to be to do this! Oh man…we’ve only been married a few months! I’ve waited 32 years to be married. Now I’m going to be a mom too?!? Oh man…we can’t afford this! We can’t do that right now! We have debt. We’re trying to pay that off. How are we going to do this?!?! What if this pregnancy doesn’t last? What if I loose this baby? Oh my goodness….what have we done?!
I walked into our bedroom, laid down next to David where he slept. I poked him a bit to wake him up from a deep sleep.
“So, I took the pregnancy test.”
His head popped up, suddenly wide awake.
I tried to keep a straight face and told him, “Well it’s positive.”
His eyes got big and he said, “Oh woooow.”
I look back now and think about that and how far away we were from this week in October 2017. How far we’ve journeyed.
It was after that conversation and in the weeks and initial months that followed, we talked through all the details of what this change meant for us. Everything from jobs, money, moving, telling family and friends, doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, timing, health habits, and parenting classes, before circling back to jobs and money again and again.
It’s funny. At the time, I never really thought back to that conversation with God I’d had just a few months before. I think about it a lot now. But at the time we just going through the motions and talking things through.
My dream….the one I had held in the back of my head since I was a little girl…was to be a stay at home parent. I never had big career dreams and was frustrated that for having such a dream, God didn’t make relationships, marriage and babies happen for me. I did the career thing as a result of not getting to live my dream.
That dream ended up hurting too much. I didn’t like thinking about it and I got good at rationalizing how God just had other things for me. The older I got the more I saw it slipping out of my fingers.
I think I was pretty angry at God, but I never would have known that back then.
I told David about my dream when we started dating. He heard me well and held it with me, but had his reason for why he was uncertain that could happen for us.
I realized then, while I finally was moving towards marriage with a man I loved, my dream may still need to be shelved. I had gotten used to pushing it away so I just did that again. I never let myself hope too much for things to work out.
That was then. The conversation was a little more real after the first…second…and third pregnancy test were positive.
So we talked about it again.
Here’s where light began to shine back on that dusty dream and with it hope and oddly enough peace. Somewhere in the mix of calculating how many months we had left to pay off debt, cutting down our future budget, looking at the prices of daycare, falling in love with this baby in my womb, and trusting God….we realized something.
We might just be able to make it on one income. Wow.
God was paving a way thought the mess of debt, budgeting, health concerns, dusty dreams and doubts to one of my deepest desires.
We still hesitated to really make the final decision for me to stay home until just this month. We extended my leave with my job in September, just to give us a buffer in case things didn’t work out. I went over our budget multiple times just to verify we were not forgetting any expenses and then just a week ago David and I made the final decision, signed up for benefits with his job, and made a plan to tell my bosses.
I was finally saying YES to my dream job :)
I turned in my letter of resignation this week and my job will officially be over October 31, 2017.
How interesting that just a little over a year ago, God began speaking to me my dream and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize that when He said I wouldn’t work there forever, that He was paving a way for me so soon.
There are still so many little gifts throughout this process I need to reflect on, notice, unwrap and thrill over. Every time I do this I find myself marveling over how I have never felt more loved and known and cared for by God this past year of my life. It’s incredible.
I went to the office on Monday to formally tell my bosses.
I brought my little “reason” with me for moral support.
The pictures are of me feeding her was right before I went in to tell them. I felt the weight of that time sitting there with her in the office. I had spent months in that chair with her throughout my pregnancy, experiencing her grow and move inside of me. How sweet to return to a place that her and I have spent many moments in surrounded by pictures of her dad and my wedding and her ultrasound photos. It was a moment I loved sharing with her and I’ll always have these pictures to take me back.
So….I have a new job now. Full time mom here :) Never thought I would say that.