But….baby what will we do…?

20171004_164815.jpgHave you ever heard the song Watercolor Ponies by Wayne Watson? The chorus was playing through my head today and made me think…

I’m a parent.

I’m a mom.

Wow.

I’m in constant amazement of that fact. I have such an easy baby that most days I don’t really feel the work of it. But yesterday I did. She wasn’t napping and that made the day feel long and hard and I’m sure I’m not supposed to really complain considering she typically sleeps 8-12 hours a night and takes 1-3 hour naps every day.

But yesterday was hard.

I felt another blow of being reminded how life has changed this past year. Things are not about me anymore. The brat inside of me likes to argue that with my husband using passive aggressive behavior on my hard days. But it honestly isn’t about me anymore.

For me that truth means I put my daughter first above myself 80% of the time. There will be exceptions because I’m still a finite person who has needs and I can’t help my daughter if I don’t help myself first…and honestly I get in a bad mood if I’m always giving and never receiving. However, most of me knows that selfless is a new normal. And yesterday that was hard.

But then God drops these song lyrics in my head reminding me to savor my days with her.

To savor the way she touches my hands and face with her soft fingers, exploring the function of these “things” at the end of her arms.

To savor the way she has started to become talkative and while I hold her she coos and chats to whatever she is looking at over my shoulder.

To savor the way she looks at me with a big smile like I’m her favorite person and she’s so happy to see me.

To savor the way she smells like a baby who has either just had a bath or spit up all over.

To savor the way her warm cheeks feel beneath my lips when I kiss her.

To savor the way she rests her face against mine when I hold her up so she can keep herself steady.

To savor the gift of watching her grow and learn new things and notice the world around her.

To savor the fact that God made me this precious little girl’s mommy. He trusted me with her. Amazing that I could be trusted to do much more than care for myself. But God had a role he wanted me to play and HE CHOSE ME to be her mom! How lucky am I??

So, back to this song…

It totally made me cry as a kid whenever my parents played it.

Of course I wasn’t a parent and I couldn’t relate to that perspective. Yet, I could understand the joy and sadness he was singing about because I was that kid growing up and “riding away.”

I’m a parent now. That means the tears come a lot harder since I have a face in front of me making these words relatable in a whole new way.

I found the song online as I was humming it to myself and let Wayne take it away. The melody started and I looked at Ellie. The tears started up, filling me with the joy and sweetness of what this song has meant to me and will continue to mean to me.

Little girl…you’re going to wreck me! In the best of ways…you’re going to completely wreck me.

Oh…..Ellie’s waking up…time to go be her momma :) Lucky me!

——

“God help me to feel all of these feelings I run into each day. Teach me not to push them away for fear of what they will make me….fearful, weak, vulnerable. Please help David and I really capture in our hearts and memories all these sweet moments with our Ellie Grace and help us not to take her good or bad days for granted. Give us the strength to make it through the days that make us want to quit and help us appreciate and find gratitude on the days that give us pride to be her parents. Help us raise this little girl up to be the woman you desire her to be. Help us listen to you when we’re stuck and don’t know what to do. Thank you for the gift of Ellie. She’s pretty awesome, God!”

—–

“Watercolor Ponies” by Wayne Watson

There are watercolor ponies on my refrigerator door
And the shape of something I don’t really recognize
Drawn by careful little fingers
And put proudly on display
A reminder to us all
Of how time flies

Seems an endless mound of laundry
And a stairway laced with toys
Gives a blow by blow reminder of the war
That we fight for their well-being
For their greater understanding
To impart a holy reverence
For the Lord

(chorus)
But, baby, what will we do when it comes back to me and you?
They look a little less like little boys every day
Oh, the pleasure of watching the children growing
Is mixed with a bitter cup
Of knowing the watercolor ponies
Will one day ride away

(bridge)
And the vision can get so narrow
As you view through your tiny world
And little victories can go by
With no applause
But in the greater evaluation
As they fly from your nest of love
May they mount up with wings
As eagles for His cause

Still I wonder baby, what will we do when it comes back to me and you?
They look a little less like little boys every day
Oh, the pleasure of watching the children growing
Is mixed with a bitter cup
Of knowing the watercolor ponies
Will one day ride away

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